I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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