If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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