i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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