Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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