My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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