If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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