I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
