Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
