god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Me. At least after what I've been through.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
