from now on my penis is your penis
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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