I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
