Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
