did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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