Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(813): View more from Florida

If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.

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(650): View more from California

My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.

Fav 7 1190 3560
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(214): View more from Texas

Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.

Fav 14 1009 4712
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

Fav 16 5216 1461
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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

Fav 19 2567 6961
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(+48): View more from Poland

It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.

Fav 6 738 630
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(+48): View more from Poland

We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.

Fav 0 579 241
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