just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
