every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
