You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
