By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
