what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
