apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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