I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
