Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
