My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
