first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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