can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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