Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
