My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize