We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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