the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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