thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
