Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You ruined the universe
Randomize
