Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
