Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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