I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
