Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
