My girlfriend figured out who you are.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
