I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
