I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
