my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
