The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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