I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
love makes seman taste better
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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