Christians are straight up FREAKS
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
