I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We need to get me chipped asap
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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