Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
