I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
