Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
