He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
