I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
