i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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