This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
