do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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