I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
