I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
