On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
