your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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