Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
