I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
